The broken and bruised...the beautiful.

Reminder...

2012-02-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

So, I decided to go back through some of my old posts and came across one that is still a favorite. There's a poem at the bottom that I wrote about my below thoughts. If you read my writings--I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: The below information was taken from one of my previous blog entries.

I'm trying to write more and express things just for the sake of remaining transparent and remembering I'm not in this life alone. We all go through similar things, thoughts, pains, and yet, many of us keep it all hidden. I don't want to anymore.

"I wish sexuality/homosexuality wasn't so separate from religion." It's true, people are still so separated from their sexuality. Whether that means they don't live authentically, they overdo things; act out because of feelings within them or confusions of what they really want...or maybe that means religion and the fact that we don't address healthy sexuality enough. In our society we have become over-sexualized. Now, I still can't understand how so many can be separated from their sexuality, yet so many can act out in ways seen in media and pornography etc...but this paradox seems to be true nonetheless. But I'm still thinking that even though we are over-sexualized--this is still a result of not being taught healthy interactions within sexuality and learning who they are with this part of them blended into their whole person.

Anyway, thinking about this led me to feel like writing--as some may know, I enjoy poetry. I've just recently started writing poetry again--I went a long time not writing it because I couldn't be honest and open. Then again, I wasn't living authentically...I didn't know who I was and surely didn't want others knowing. However, since deciding to live authentically--to show others a little more of who I am--to be truthful to myself, I have learned to also like who I am. I'm still learning and growing, but in all of this I have started writing again. So below is a poem about beauty and sexuality--to me, this poem resembles the nature of sexuality--the "everydayness" of it if you will. I have written this poem to hopefully portray that just a little bit. We are made as sexual beings and to enjoy this part of ourselves. It may sound a bit provocative--but it is what it is. I find beauty and art in being able to write something like this.

Forbidden Fruit

I touch you, a delicate piece of fruit
Around I go
Making my way across your skin
I touch
I taste small sections at a time
Getting the most I can when you sigh
You
Juicy, tender, satisfying my craving
Hunger and refreshment
Fulfilled again
As your sweetness drips from my tongue
My favorite delicacy

One thing...trust...

2012-02-06T21:23:00.000-07:00

I find that one thing I dislike the most is being left out. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if I'm okay being upset about being left out of things. I mean, technically when I'm invited places I often don't attend...so I get invited fewer places. That makes sense. It's logical. However, I think a lot of the reason I don't attend is because I don't trust people and I feel odd. I have this innate feeling that there's something wrong in me, or something wrong-er in me than others...like I have a target that people are waiting to pounce. I doubt it's true, but I can't seem to shake it. How do you shake that feeling? Do you just hang out with more people and learn to fake it? Do you eventually learn to be with people without that feeling at all? Maybe it takes me getting to know individuals on a one-on-one basis first before I can trust. I wish I knew. It sure would save me a lot of trouble!

I mean, what comes first, the chicken or the egg? Do I get left out because I cause myself to get left out? Or do I get left out because they left me out first and then I responded by declining further offers to not be left out? Does anyone out there understand what I'm saying?! If so, can you please explain it all to me too!

I think I'm just tired of feeling like I'm the least on everyone's list. I know I'm probably exaggerating, but whether or not its true, I still feel this way. I assume a therapist would tell me that I'm feeling this way because of the abandonment I felt as a child and how growing up poor and being made fun of caused me to feel like people made fun of me all the time no matter what...blah, blah, blah...I suppose it's partially true.

One day I will grow up and heal. One day I'll learn to trust. Or maybe it doesn't matter as long as I trust who matters...God and my girl? Or, maybe I don't even know how to trust them?

www.lesbepure.com

Security...

2012-02-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

I woke up today so badly wanting a snow day. Showered, dressed, drove to the lightrail, took the lightrail to work, clocked in, and as usual I began my day at work. I now sit here at home on my comfy couch thinking about my day--we got to leave early because of the snow so I've been able to relax a little more this afternoon evening--but, I want to say how much I love how things are in my life. I mean, I've had some concerns and I've struggled more lately with missing friendships and certain other personal issues, but overall life is still good. I was recently promoted to Lead in my department at work along with a few others and I'm learning to develop my leadership skills. But, I'm quite scared! I love the job and the promotion and the opportunity I'm going to have to develop myself, but I lack confidence. How do I fix this? No matter how competent I learn to be and no matter how many people like me I'm still not as confident as I would like to be. Of course, I know my job and I work with a great team who still teaches me and encourages me, but inside myself I find these thoughts; "did he really think I did that well?" "I got that wrong, I'm supposed to know the answer, I wonder if they think I'm cut out to be lead?" Goodness! When do those inner thoughts leave?

Maybe I should begin meditation and learn to clear my head. I think that's my big issue. I need to learn to clear my head not only for myself, but to allow God to speak. I love this quote I found quite some time ago, "security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of Jesus." I need to reevaluate where I place my security.

I want to live life, love, help people etc. Why can't things be perfect? But, I'm still thankful for life. I'm thankful for not spending my moments anymore cowered in a corner scared. I'm thankful I don't have to go without dinner, pray to go to school to get away from home etc. I'm blessed to have made it out of that life and made it into a life I helped create. I'm proud of me for that. I think that's okay...because I've let God heal me and man does He continue teaching me or what?! He likes to stretch me and it's uncomfortable, but it's worth it. It's always worth it huh?